Throw the Lonely Planet into the trash and don’t bother with the expat facebook group. If you want to learn how to live properly in Istanbul, then acquire a Turkish mother in law. It is not a choice. You will have one (or a collection of Turkish mother-n laws) who will take over your life, even if you resist or run away. It doesn’t matter if are not planning to marry a Turk. In fact, you don’t have to be married at all. One of these ladies will find you – and in true mother-in-law fashion- she won’t wait to be asked. It won’t even matter if you don’t speak Turkish.
I met an American woman, who had brought up two sons alone in Istanbul. I told her how impressive that was. She burst out laughing and said “I didn’t bring them up alone, my mother-in-law helped me.” It turns out that as soon as her husband left, his mother knocked on the door and that was that. No discussion, they both just did what needed to be done.
No American self sufficiency or English reserve in Istanbul’s suburbs. Besides, why would you want to be self sufficient, when the neighbourhood is an extended family and everyone wants to help. As for ‘reserve’, well, there probably isn’t even a good Turkish word for that.
Just yesterday, an elderly lady, whom I recognised as a down-the-road neighbour stopped me in my street and told me off. It turns out, I was feeding the stray cats the wrong kind of fish. “I don’t feed the stray cats”, I said. “It doesn’t matter” said the Across-the-Road Neighbour, “your husband does and he gave them out-of-season fish, which means that you are not feeding him well either, so you need to cook better fish.” I was incredulous. I had no idea that my husband had been feeding the cats nor could I remember what fish I had last cooked. I knew better than to admit to paying so little attention to fish purchasing.
I called Alina, because she has a real Turkish mother-in-law. Alina said “I can’t talk now, my mother in law’s sister and sister-in-law are all here telling me to put my daughter in a thermal vest for school, because she has a cough. They have spent all afternoon discussing my daughter’s inadequate clothing, whilst at my niece’s third birthday party. If I stop to talk on the phone, they will start to make dinner and argue about how to slice the tomatoes, so I have to go. Sorry!”
Later that night, I asked my husband about the fish. He said “I have been feeding chicken to the cats. Never fish. We live in a crazy street!”
This is the thing about Istanbul neighbours – nobody cares where you park, or how noisy your kids are and they will happily ignore your howling dog but your privacy is a different matter. I can park badly and the dog can howl but the stray cats must be fed the best fish. My meekness, it has to be said, is because I am a wimp. Alina, on the other hand, has refused to add another layer of clothing on school days and the cough persists. She is a much braver woman than I, but let us see what happens at the next family birthday party, when she too is outnumbered.